Today a different blog post. What happens inside me? Is my travel the sweet life par excellence? The answer is: no.
Since my departure three weeks have passed. Of these three weeks I could enjoy only a small part. Why? In a previous blog post, I have already written about a feeling of loneliness. In the meantime, I have come to decide that the hint lies somewhere else.
As I drove off, I left everything known behind from one day to another. Friends and family, the familiar environment, my home and a large part of the comfort fell away all of a sudden. I miss all that now. It leaves a gap and I can’t fill this gap. Not on this trip. At most places, I don’t stay longer than five minutes. The longest are two to three days. During this period, I can’t find any friends or build myself a new familiar environment, a new home. So this gap remains unfilled, gaping open and there is no replacement, which distracts me. Then often my thoughts begin to wander to past times, I call up memories, float in them and at the end they hurt yet again, because you can keep them. They are memories of childhood and youth, of friends and family, of familiar smells, familiar environments, or subtle feelings. Initially these memories taste sweet, they are then but sadly bitter afterwards.
And yet it would be so easy easy to get rid of all that. I just have let go. I can see it right in front of me. Only a hair’s breadth, one small step separates me of it. It feels like a thin band against that I can lean and one step further, a few centimeters maybe, and it will tear, would be severed, I would let go. But this small step, these centimeters, I don’t want to go it, I can’t do it yet. I’m bound too much to my old past sweet memories.
Additionally I can’t see my travel as a break, a break from my normal life. Because this is to resolve. School is over, friends scatter, and when I come back everything will be different from what it was. Thus my journey is also a journey into the unknown.
Is that a reason to give up? No. I knew that the tour would be a mental challenge. I knew it and chose it because of that. After my depression I realised one thing. There were three ways to commit. One led deeper into depression, one attributed to the state of things before. And one went through it. It was the way of growth and realisation, and the depression was a possibility to grow and to realize. I realized at that time how my thoughts were causing my depression and thus I grew beyond it. I wouldn’t be the one I am now without this experience. And I’m very happy where I am now and therefore also grateful for this experience. At that time, I have made the decision to meet all upcoming problems like this. Then there is no problem and I am firmly convinced that what we refer to as problems can be a support to find our way and go it.
So now I am out for today. And who’s afraid now I would want to go through my tour without fearing losses, let me reassure. If right reasons occur I am so reasonable and stop what better shouldn’t be continued. But whether these reasons should ever come is still in the stars.